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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Something a little light!

OK my past few posts have been kind of deep, SO....I am go to lighten things up a bit!  I am going to show you a side of Lori that is quite dorky!  I think this also touches on the whole, "don't judge a book by it's cover".  I have been told before, that I am not approachable.  I have also been told by people that their first impression of me, was that I was a bitch.  And this is before they ever spoke a word to me.  I get it, I guess.  I know I have done it too.  It bothers me that people have thought that.  Sometimes I think I frown, when I don't mean to.  My mother is ALWAYS saying, "Lori Ann quit frowning".  My response, "I AM NOT FROWNING"!!  Well if you take a look at my forehead, you know I do, I got me some frown lines!!  Nothing that a little botox can't fix.  AND YES, I AM GETTING BOTOX!! Even if I have to sell my left kidney, to pay for it! :o)

OK on to the lighter side of Lori...

I am a disgusting pig when it comes to belching.  I MEAN A P-I-G, Pig! I could clear a room.  We are talking earth shattering sounds.  Am I proud of this, why yes, yes I am!  Does it drive my husband crazy??? Yep, but it is also one of the things he loves about me.  You know that I am not some big priss!


I have peed my pants on the streets of NYC.  Well actually it was a dress.  My sis and I were there for my Fitness article and it was Valentine's Day.  We went to this amazing little restaurant in SOHO and I had to pee...bad.  BUT...I didn't want to go there, because the whole public bathroom thing kind of weirds me out.  So as we are walking back to our hotel, in the rain, my sis lets a fart slip.  OMG I thought I was going to die!  I stopped dead in my tracks and started to laugh and squeal in this high pitched voice.  I couldn't control it and I said, "OMG I am going to piss myself".  And what do you know, I DID!  I had a dress on people!!  AND NO TIGHTS!  Thank God it was raining and I was able to control the flow!  I still laugh when I think about it.  My sis almost shits herself and I piss myself.  We are true partners in crime!



I think farts are HYSTERICAL.  I mean no matter when or where, if I hear one, I laugh.  I even laughed at a funeral!!  As we are sitting in the funeral home, listening to my step-grandpa's eulogy, someone lets one rip.  Not a silent but deadly, but a big ole lift your butt cheek kind of fart.  Oh Lord, I lost it.  I was laughing so hard I was crying.  Which I guess helped, since it was a funeral after all.  Of course my sister heard it and saw I was laughing.  At this point, we were laughing at us, laughing.  We do this a lot, when we are together.  :-)



I have been known to flash my tata's at GNO.  Yes, you read that right.  I figure, once you have babies, the whole world has seen your lady parts, so why not.  That and I have titties that no one would want anyway, so it's not like I am showing some amazing asset!  I should specify though, I ONLY show them to my girl's!  I sure as hell don't show them to guys...ICK!



One time I got it on in the parking lot of a bar AND....moved my friends car to do this.  BUT...when I left with said guy I got it on with, I failed to tell my friend, I moved her car.  OMG did I get an ass chewing!!  It took her a while to cool off!  I can't blame her, she was drunk and roaming some huge parking lot for her car.  THANK GOD, she didn't report it stolen!

I like to break out in song and dance for no reason at all.  I will just start shaking my tail feathers like I am some contestant on DWTS! And this I am not.  I can only dance when I am drunk.  Well I THINK I can dance, when I am drunk.  I call it my liquid courage.  I have seen video of it, and I was wrong, I can't dance.  BUT...I don't care, it makes me happy.

I am a HUGE klutz.  Like we are talking, I should have been named Grace.  I fall ALL the time AND I spill stuff, all the time.  Unfortunately I have passed this on to my daughter.  Poor girl. :(  It drives my husband CRAZY!  If it's not me falling down the stairs, it is Liv.  In one day, I fell down the stairs on the main level, I fell down the basement stairs AND I sliced my hand open, trying to open a can of corn.  This slice required stitches.  AND...one year and one week, to the day of that, I sliced the same damn hand open!  This time, it was my finger though.  And both times, I was about to go on vacation.  Yep, I am one big accident waiting to happen.

I went to Vegas for my gf's wedding and I got roofied.  Yep, I sure did.  It was awful!!  We were all at the Minus 5 Ice Lounge at Mandalay Bay.  We were all standing around after leaving the ice box and slamming our drinks. HOLY SHIT they were strong.  So my friend Traci (the one who's car I moved) starts a conversation with these guys.  They seemed nice and harmless.  They were funny and OK to talk to.  Here is what I should have tuned into, when I asked one of them what they did for a living, they said they were in "chemical sales".  Hmmm...was this a hint that I should run and run far.  We are not quite sure when they slipped us the Rohypnol...because we were never left alone with them.  BUT...lots of drinks were bought and passed.  That whole night is a blurr.  I do know we made it back to the hotel and I passed out and hit my head, hard.  Shocking, Lori fell!  When we woke up the next day, it was awful!!! OMG we wanted to die!! The worst headache ever!  And we couldn't remember anything that had happened.  The effects last for days.  You are SO tired and just feel like you have the flu.  That night our friends got married (it was St. Patty's Day) and we couldn't even look at a drink.  This sucks because it was St. Patty's Day AND open bar!  What a waste..lol And when I told my mother this, I got my ass chewed once again!  AND...a major lecture.  What people don't realize is that it can happen to anyone!  Like I said, we were never alone.


One time when I was walking to work in NYC I fell and ripped my pants.  OK this was rush hour time and it was outside Grand Central Station.  So yes, the whole world saw it!  I tried to act all Joe Cool but I don't think the peeps were buying it.  I had to huge holes in my pants, at my knees.  Oh and blood dripping from them.  I just got up and kept on walking.  See I need to change my name to Grace!



I have this very weird ability to call sheep.  Like really call them and communicate with them.  Before my parents moved to Florida, they lived behind a farm.  A farm that had sheep.  I would sit in my room upstairs, with the window open and call them.  Oh and they talked back to me too!  This my friends, is and was, a site to see!



OK that is enough for now, I suppose.  I just want you all to see that I am just a normal dorky girl.  One that refuses to take herself serious.  Oh and I also refuse to ever grow up! I plan to be the life of the party at the old folks home someday!  I will have my decked out scooter and iv hook up, of wine.

Hope you are all having a FABULOUS DAY!!


25 comments:

  1. OMFG!!!! I am so laughing my ass off (almost peeing my pants) as I am reading your post!!! I am at work and everyone is looking at me as if I have lost my mind. You are Hi-larious!!! Thanks for making my day!

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    1. hahaha!! It's ok, the people at my offic think the same thing about me!
      xoxo

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  2. I about peed myself laughing reading this!

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    Replies
    1. It's ok girl, just let it flow!! :)
      xoxo

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  3. You are a crazy broad! Love it! I am also graceful and my mother will tell you I once did a "ballerina" move up a stair and smacked my head into a fridgerator! NEVER a dull moment! Also, with the roofie situation- I get CHEWED everytime I go out, even if it's with my husband because my grandmother SWEARS I'm going to get raped. Quite annoying. I heard botox really isn't that expensive- like 3-400$!

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    1. Hahaha!! Yes, yes, I am! And honey, I am calling around about botox as we speak! I also heard it was like $300! I can't just stop buying jeans and get botox instead!! P.S you and the fridge are why me and you...get along! :o)
      xoxo

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  4. New reader here and I loved these! So funny and honest! I managed to get roofied one time too and it made me lose control of my bowels. Yep, totally shit my pants and my friend had to take care of me. Ah, good times.
    Oh, and you should totally call yourself the Sheep Whisperer. :)

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    1. Amanda, we have never met...But girl, I love you already!! I am still laughing at your comments!! :)
      xoxo,
      The Sheep Whisperer

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  5. OMGGGGGGGGGGGG I WAS LITERALLY LAUGHING LOUDLY DURING THIS ENTIRE POST! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU!

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  6. OMG sooo funny and don't worry people always say i'm a bitty too and they don't even know me. I don't come off as approachable either and I think it has to do with being raised in a city (I think we're from the same state...so maybe it runs in the blood!). And I too am clumsy...I cut two diff fingers in one hand with knives one year apart, both requiring stitches...awesome. my husband is going to start hiding the knives from me!

    Who says you have to be perfect at life?!?!? I think it's more fun our way!

    Alicia

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    1. Sounds like we are too peas in a pod!!! I agree, i love my life, there is NEVER a dull moment or knife for that matter...LOL!

      xoxo

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  7. LOVE LOVE LOVE this! your so cute! right there with ya on the burping thing!

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    1. Awww...thank you sweet girl!! And a fellow burper, I love it!

      xoxo

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  8. Haha this is hilarious!!! I think we all have dorky parts of us:)

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    1. Makes life interesting!! Love ya girlie!!

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  9. I love ALL your stories. I need to hear you burp because I think you might have met your match, I am telling ya I can burp!! And if i have the burping abilities in my family then my husband has all the farts, so we are constantly laughing at one another and our house is a little stinky!! So if you ever need a really good laugh, head on over to the Davis Ranch!!

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    1. Thank you!! OMG I am so coming to the Davis Ranch!! We have little farters in my house. OMG they can clear a room. My daughter is such a beauty but man, she stinks! AND...she is so proud of that fact!1 Life is just too short not to laugh at farts!
      xoxo

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  10. Lol! I fall all the time too! And I don't really "know you" but I think you are very approachable and fun. If anything I may be intimidated by how pretty you are. :)

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  11. You are crazy girl. I burp all the time too. My hubby is like nice baby... Lol. Whatever, you can't hold that shit in. Don't think I've ever peed myself though, so you have me on that one. One night I did get taken to the hospital because I drank just a tad to much.. A little coal in my belly and on my feet (not sure how that happened) and I was as good as new.. Well with one major hangover! Your only as young as ya feel, right? Love ya crazy sheep whisperer!��

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  12. You're hilar! I'm a major uncoordinated klutz too. Maybe it's our hair color.

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  13. Ok, I can sooo beat you at Wii Fit Balance Board!! This one time I slid under my car...I'll save that story for my blog so I'll make you read it to find out! lol
    Oh, on the beer. FYI. We visit a hole in the wall beer joint when we float the river in the summer. Last summer, new waitress. We began to order our beers, some with salt and lime, others with just salt and some plain. We were informed that salt + lime = dressed, lime only = topless, plain = naked. Take that to the next bar you visit!! See what type of reaction you get. I'm so adding that to my blog too! Have fun on vacay!

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  14. I loved this post. Thanks for sharing :)

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