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Friday, June 7, 2013

Yep, it's true..Part Deux!

I still have more to share so here we go!!

Yep, it's true...

I cannot believe I am even going to share this but here goes, One time I was doing p90x yoga and I was in the "plow" position and a little noise came from my hoo-ha!  I WAS MORTIFIED!!  Why.... because my husband was in the room with the kids and proceeded to say, "honey you just queefed".  OH DEAR GOD, HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!!!  SO...as I proceeded to laugh until I had to stop the dvd and catch my breath, Liv just sat there taking it all in.  Fast forward a week later when we were at the drive-thru and she toots.  As she does this she laughs and yells at the top of her lungs, "HEY I QUEEFED LIKE MOMMY DID"!  Yep, I am still not over the humiliation.  :o)

I have had one pedicure my entire life.  I know, how can that be.  Well I am just not big on pampering myself.  I have only had one mani as well and that is because someone drug me to the nail salon and paid for it!

When I was in junior high, I played the French flute.  Well I really didn't play it, I sucked.  I was so bad that my parents made me practice in the garage.  One day I was sick and freaking tired of sucking I took the flute and beat the hell out of it, on my music stand.  See I thought I would break it and not have to play it.  FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!  Needless to say, I faked sick every time we had a marching band performance and got a D, in band.  Sorry I was NOT about to wear a gold jacket with black pants and parade around for people.  Remember I was about 200+ pounds in junior high.

I used to drink Slim Fast in high school and just tell people it was a milk shake.  Did I honestly think people were buying it????  Maybe....I did pair it with Doritos and a Suzy Q.  And I wonder why I was heavy!!


My family called me Dudie growing up.  My little sister was Spike and my big sis was Butch.  Now just what in the hell was my dad thinking when he chose these names, I do not know!

I have in fact peed my pants as an adult.  If you read my blog regularly you know I did this in a dress on the streets of NYC! 

I had super easy deliveries with both kids.  And yes, I had an epidural with both.  Are you kidding me, I don't like pain AT ALL!  With Drew I got it a bit late, so I felt a lot.  The worst was when he was crowning.  HOLY VAGINA PAIN!  With Liv, I was induced and pushed a few times and didn't even feel it! I also didn't look at my lady parts when it all went down.  Ray was not allowed to either. 

After I had both kids, I hiked my leg on the bathroom sink at home, took my cosmetic mirror and looked to see if everything looked "normal", down there.  Sorry...when your mom tells you, you tore pretty bad and even laterally, you worry just a smidgen.  She is a labor and delivery nurse so she has seen it ALL! I am happy to report, all is good, downtown! :)  TMI???  :)

One time when I was at the airport and this really cute guy was asking me to borrow a pen, I opened my purse to get him one, and FOUR tampons fell out and landed on his feet.  We both stood there for what seemed like eternity just staring at them.  I swear he looked at me, said, "sorry gotta go", and took off.  Apparently he has a tampon phobia?!?!?!

I liked a boy that lived behind my grandma's house UNTIL, he came over one night in a navy blue wife beater on.  Sorry but I draw the line at that. I just can't do tank tops on men.  It just weirds me out...lol  It falls in the same category as cut off jean shorts.   Or..."nut cutters" as I like to refer to them!

One time when I picked Liv up at daycare, my skirt flew up and a bunch of the parents saw my ass!  See I wear thong undies.  Oh and this was a Baptist Daycare.  I was so embarrassed.  I don't think I ever got spoken to again, by the parents, after that.  Oops!!

When I was pregnant with Liv we were eating at our favorite Mexican restaurant and the waitress came over and started to whisper in my ear.  She said, "ummm...you have a rip down the seam of your pants.  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!  How the hell did that happen.  AND...did I walk in with my ass showing???  Thank God my brother-on-law had a flannel in his car, that I wrapped around me.  YIKES!  You would have thought my butt cheeks would have been cold.

Speaking of ripping my pants, I also did this at Drew's hip hop recital.  As we were walking in, Ray says, "honey, I think you have a rip in your pants".  WTF!  AGAIN WITH THIS! They were denim capris with bling on the back and I apparently caught them, on the door when we left home.  I remember catching them on the door, just had no idea I ripped them.  I had to speed home in the car and get new pants all before the recital started.  Yeah, I had 20 minutes!  BUT...I did it!


I rode in the elevator one time with James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) and told him how much I LOVED him in the Mexican.  Ummm...I hated that movie!  But come on, I had to say something, so I could brag to everyone that I talked to Tony Soprano!  He was actually quite shy and nice. 

I was on a plane one time, with Dwayne the Rock Johnson from JFK to STL.  I will tell you this, he is MUCH better looking in person.  He said hi to me as we were boarding, I stuttered when I said hi back.  Nice one, Lori!!  He was probably thinking, what a dumb blonde I was!

I worked at a household staffing agencies in NYC, where we placed nannies, chauffeurs, housekeepers, personal assistant and butlers with the rich and famous.  Oh the stories I could tell you! ;-)


My final years are going to be spent at some fabulous retirement community where I can ride around in an electric scooter with my iv hook up of wine!  Oh I plan to be one mischief little old lady! :)

I cannot believe how many amazing women I have met through blogging and IG.  The best part is I get to call so many of them friends.  Friends that I am going to make every effort, to meet one day!  It's weird how one day I started to follow fitness related IG accounts and now here we are, I am a blogger!  Yep, it all happened for a reason!!  The reason is you guys!



I will end on this.....I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!  When I was little I wanted to be an orthodontist.  Yeah, I am way too old to pursue that dream now.  My dream job would be to help people get themselves on the right track, to healthy living.  I would love to hang out with fabulous women who are going through, what I went through.  I would encourage and help them reach their goals.  I would never ever let them give up on themselves!!  I would do all of this in a fun way too! Workouts would be super fun and never the same. AND...we would cook all kinds of yummy but healthy, stuff.  I mean it would be like hanging out with my bff's all day, doing stuff I have a passion for! If only I had a magic wand...


Hope you all have a FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!!

XO,
Lori

19 comments:

  1. You do help by inspiring us!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love your honesty! You make me laugh! I was not so lucky with my second delivery, so count your blessings! ;) And that stuff is considered cosmetic to fix. Um, cosmetic?!
    You're the best Lori!

    ReplyDelete
  3. They shouldn't even make tank tops for men. that includes, babies, toddlers, little boys, etc. etc.

    I hate when I see a cute shirt for Brady and I pick it up and it is a tank. It goes right back down. U-G-L-Y!!

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  4. My husband says the worst things around my kids. Kids repeat everything!!

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  7. I just about peed my pants when your daughter said queef. I'm not sure whether I should classify you under my healthy blogs reads or hilarious. I'm so type A I have to put you in a group.
    I'm stopping by from the Monday Motivation as I catch up on my blog reading this afternoon.
    Looking forward to reading more (this is the first post I read).
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  11. I have the same dream job! Let me know if you ever decide to act on it and I'll be on your team ;) Thank you for all of your inspiring posts! I think you have 10 years on me and I hope I can look as fabulous as you do in 10 years.

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  14. Queefed! love it! I would have died too!

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  15. I am so glad that I stumbled upon your blog, you crack me up, and you are such an inspiration, I've lost 80 pounds, and then over the holidays I gained 15, but for the past few weeks, I've been going to the gym and eating right, so hopefully I will feel good about myself again! I read your blog every day, it motivates me! and I want to thank you for that. :)

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  16. I've only ever had one manicure and pedicure too! I thought I was the only weird one. ;)

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